We talk about pay equality, and breaking the glass ceiling. What about equality in the bedroom? First up, we have to say it’s not about who’s to blame but more about taking positive action, and getting to know some facts surrounding the issue.
Cosmopolitan’s Female Orgasm Survey shows that only 57% of women climax regularly with a heterosexual partner while a 2014 study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine showed that lesbians had a nearly 75% orgasm rate.
Men of different sexual orientations, however, reported around an 85% orgasm rate, and another study shows that 75% of men report always having an orgasm during sex.
As healthy women who are able to climax, what can we do to tip the scales and increase the rate of orgasms?
#1 Ask for it
Nikki Minaj does. She said in an interview with Cosmopolitan: “I demand that I climax. I think women should demand that… I’m a pleaser, but it’s fifty-fifty.”
Bottom line, most guys take pride in knowing that they were able to give you a good time and if you ask for it, they will oblige. Also, if you haven’t made it clear to them that you haven’t had an orgasm, then they may assume you already have had one.
This may be because of a number of reasons, (none completely definitive):
- They watch porn and assume all women have multiple orgasms.
- They watch porn and assume all women have orgasms through intercourse.
- They’ve had partners who have been able to climax through intercourse.
- They’ve had partners who have faked orgasms.
- They weren’t aware that orgasms should always be a two-way street because sex education kind of sucks in this country.
- All or none of the above.
And there may be many more reasons. So while gentlemen should always offer, or ask if you’ve had an orgasm, they aren’t mind readers and to ensure you climax, there really is no reason why you shouldn’t ask for it. In fact, Jenny Block, author of the book O Wow: Discovering Your Ultimate Orgasm has a motto we should all follow – No ‘O’, no Go.
#2 Know your body
While for the most part the wonder and exploration of sex and pleasure is achieved with a partner, it doesn’t help knowing your body and communicating this with your partner. This will increase your chances of having an orgasm.
Exploring your body first before you take it to another level with a partner will give you more ammunition in the orgasm equality stakes.
Elisabeth Lloyd, a professor of biology and philosophy at Indiana University-Bloomington who co-authored a study about genital anatomy and orgasm in intercourse, also found that a shorter distance between the clitoris and the urinary opening, may increase a woman’s likelihood to orgasm. According to the study, published in the journal, Hormones and Behavior in 2011,those with a shorter distance are likely to enjoy coital orgasms, and those with a longer distance may require additional clitoral stimulation.
Once you know what you want, communicate this to your partner, which leads us to #3.
#3 Show them how
Part of the joy of being intimate with someone is exploring each others’ bodies and discovering what you each like. Take the time, and show them what you like without fear of judgement. The fact that you’re intimate with someone shows that there is a level of trust that you have for this person.
Forget about being a prude.
According to David Frederick, assistant professor of psychology at Chapman University in an interview with CNN, there is more stigma against women initiating sex and expressing what they want sexually.
However, you have the right to own your pleasure. Communicating what you want with your partner doesn’t make you a slut. You’re not greedy for wanting an orgasm, and to have an orgasm each time you have sex. In fact that’s part of being human.
If three quarters of all guys who have sex orgasm each time, why shouldn’t women experience the same?
#4 Accept your body
David Frederick said: “Women have higher body dissatisfaction than men, and it interferes with their sex life more. This can impact sexual satisfaction and ability to orgasm if people are focusing more on these concerns than on the sexual experience.”
The concerns he’s referring to would be body image concerns. Women, as much as men, are exposed to standards of beauty which have dictated that unless we all look like supermodels, we are less than desireable. Guys aren’t all supermodels either and they, too, feel the pressure to have muscles and abs like Chris Evans.
However, you can change this. If you’re ready to have sex with each other, you’re obviously attracted to one another. Start with kindness as a base, and compliment him when you’re flirting or spending time together. If he’s a nice guy, he’ll reciprocate.
Your body is ready to experience amazing things. But you have to make the first move when it comes to your body. As Ru Paul, host of Ru Paul’s Drag Race says – “If you don’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?”
#5 Be in the now
When you’re having sex, have sex. Forget about work or what you’re going to eat after having sex. Be in the moment and enjoy every sensation.
Also, a partner who loves you will not rush you. Forget about time, or worrying that you’re taking too long to come. Thinking about how long you take, makes you take even longer. So forget the clock and be present.
Why are we so obsessed with orgasm equality? Because it’s a perpetuating cycle.
Elisabeth Lloyd said that studying orgasm frequency remains a crucial point of research as orgasms have been connected to a higher level of satisfaction with personal relationships.
She spoke to CNN saying : “Women who have better sexual relationships with their partners also have more satisfied relationships in general, and it improves the quality of their relationships.
“So in general, a better sex life leads to a better relationship, which leads to a better sex life. It’s kind of circular.”
See Also: 9 Truths About Orgasms You Need to Know