Hi. I’m 29, and I’ve thought about motherhood, a lot. More specifically, how it absolutely does not appeal to me.

I’ve never liked children. Even as a kid myself, I spent a lot more time with books than playing with others. When I was in my teens and had to babysit for family friends, 30 minutes felt like a lifetime. They screamed at the top of their lungs, went about like drunk flies, climbed furniture, and destroyed everything they could get their hands on. Who made these little monsters? Could their mothers really love them unconditionally?

 

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Children, like dolls, can be pretty scary.

 

It started off as a joke, like: “she doesn’t like kids, haha”. And as I got older, it turned into “that’s how you feel now, but your maternal instincts will kick in”. When I got a niece, people say very assuredly that this will definitely change my mind about motherhood. It impresses me how much of an insight into my psyche people have that they could predict my future desires.

Oh, my niece is almost 3 years old, and I think my maternal instincts have kicked off.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m not an evil person. I care for little beings because I care for their parents. I’ve held newborns in my arms without breaking them, I’ve shopped for diapers and formula, and I’ve even helped out at first birthday parties, all while suppressing the words “but you know they won’t remember any of this, right?”.

I dedicate this to all the women out there who also may not want to grow another human being in their abdomens and have it come tearing (literally) out of their nether regions: The (S)Motherhood FAQs.

 

(S)Motherhood FAQ #1: Why can’t you be…normal?

Define ‘normal’. Is heterosexuality normal, and hence homosexuality abnormal? Is it normal to want to go through 9 months of physical discomfort, X hours of life-changing, mind-numbing physical pain, and possibly 20 years of financial, sleep, and sanity deprivation?

I kid. (Ha ha.) Seriously though. Kudos to all you mummies out there workin’ it, but that ain’t workin’ for me.

 

(S)Motherhood FAQ #2: Can you be happy with an unfulfilled life?

 

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Yes, we can be happy too.

 

I can think of tonnes of other ways my life can be fullfilled. Travelling whenever I want and pursuing any hobbies that I fancy come to mind.

But the truth is, I’m afraid. I have scarring experiences from my childhood. Why would I want to bring another being into this world that I could also possibly scar? Children are like liquid metal. They are extremely malleable, and every little thing you do could make or break their characters. And if I’m not confident that I have the ability raise a child to be a decent person, I’m just not going to do it. You’re welcome.

Plus, the world is already overpopulated with 7.5 billion people. Imagine that! Natural resources will run out. Animals are being driven out of their habitat into extinction. War. Famine. Poverty. I can go on, but you’d just cry like a baby.

 

(S)Motherhood FAQ #3: How can you be so selfish?

Towards whom, exactly? My partner, who can leave me for another child-bearing woman? My parents, whom I will take very good care of? My niece, who would love to have a cousin to play with? Pretty sure she prefers Peppa Pig as a cousin.

In fact, I would turn it around and say it’s selfish to bring a child into this world. A world that is getting sicker and sicker every day. Paedophiles and their child pornography. Air quality so bad, people are making art out of it. Two-thirds of wildlife may be gone by 2020. That’s just 3 years away. #wawasan2020 #TN50

 

(S)Motherhood FAQ #4: Don’t you want someone to take care of you when you’re old?

I can check myself into an old folks’ home. Unlimited tai chi, mah jong, clapping my hands loudly front and back while walking in the garden. Sounds heavenly.

 

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The #thuglyf.

 

Also, this is a very, very poor excuse to have a child. Just adopt a dog or something. I mean, if your child turns out to be a monster who would dump you in the streets, your plan would have failed spectacularly.

 

(S)Motherhood FAQ #5: Maybe you haven’t found the right person?

But of course, the right man would put me in my right mind. *cue eye roll*

 

(S)Motherhood FAQ #6: I was like you too, then I changed my mind.

*slaps you for insult* No one is like me!

 

The truth is, I’m not 100% certain that I would never want a child. I wouldn’t tie my tubes now. All I’m saying is this: I’m 29, and I haven’t thought about motherhood, and that’s okay. Yes, my biological clock may be ticking and my eggs may be getting old, but it is my body and my decision to make.

 

Love,

Me and my uterus.

+++++

Read Next: What to do with all that free time not being a mother? Watch these TV shows.

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Screencapture from American Gods on Starz